The Art of Detachment - The Letting Go Of Domination.

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Am I Bully?

We all have our moments of stress which can cause our regrettable outbursts ... and sometimes we can accuse others of being a bully  too ...

In the strictest sense A Bully is a person who gains pleasure from deliberately creating angst for another.

Any of the Dominator Traits can be used to achieve these aims, even the "Poor Me".

THE ART OF DETACHMENT

The Letting Go of Domination

When fear arises in communication our instinctive reaction is to "take charge" with a "fight" or "flight" response. Fleeing for cover is a simple solution, but fighting back means digging into a gunny sack of manipulating and dominating behaviors to gain the upper hand.

Do you believe you have a dominating personality? You may be surprised!

The Art of Detachment - The Letting Go Of Domination.  Pauline Douglas

Meet the ten most fearful characteristics of your life:

1. The Complainer

Complainer's are the wounded warriors of the planet, never understood, used, never listened to, always broke, and suffering from a variety of unexplainable illness.

The Complainer is driven by dozens of negative emotions and so heavily into victim mentality that if they tripped on the sidewalk they would blame the pavement.  The traditional Drama Queens of our society, there is always something catastrophic occurring in the life of the Complainer.


2. The Clown

The perfect way to avoid an issue or bring the crowds attention their way, the clown uses a variety of idiot techniques to dominate and manipulate the individual or group.

You will recognize the clown for their smart remarks, ego ticklers and sarcastic jokes and then that "Hey! Just kidding heh heh!" that arrives afterwards.   Smart Alec's use jokes and quips as deadly messages designed to induce a negative emotional reaction.

Clowns masterfully confuse their victims response with hurt indignation "Man you can't take a joke can you?".

3. The Ignorer

One of the most effective ways to rob another's self worth is to totally ignore them.

The "Silent Ignorer" is the master of emotional indifference and can send another "to Coventry" or "give the silent treatment" simply by switching off listening. The more dramatic approach would be a face blackening sulk that could last for days, weeks, months ... if not the rest of their lives.

The "Motor Mouth" is another version of the Ignorer.  These "Gas Bags" are people who seem either unaware of, or even threatened by comfortable silences to dominate us with merciless bouts of banter.   

Both ignorers manipulate through their refusal to listen.

4. The Martyr

The proverbial doormat, "The Martyr" is driven by the need to sacrifice themselves for everybody else's benefit.  

When the Martyr needs co-operation you'll hear statements like, "Look at all the things I do for you ... " or " ... but somebody has to pay the bills ..."  They'll give many lavish gifts and check in occasionally to remind you how good they were - or do limitless favours with a balancing ticket attached.

We are uncomfortable to be supported by a Martyr because instinctively we know that self sacrifice is their access guilt tricking and conditional obligation.


5. The Charmer

"Charmers" always have an agenda and will style their physical and psychological appearance to appeal to their victims ego,  an attractively seductive tool for manipulation and control.  Charmers can be great sales people or chameleons to achieve their agenda.  

One Charmer might use "cutesy" behaviour to mimic the unthreatening behaviour of a child. Another Charmer may be smooth talking and calculatingly persuasive or excessively complimentary to achieve their aims.  

Is it any wonder that the Worlds most successful Con-Artists use charm as their tool of trade.


6. The Disbeliever

Consumed with the distrustful emotions of fear and suspicion, "The Disbeliever" will take on the roles of Devils' Advocate or Leader of the Opposition to tabled projects or ideas. The Disbeliever will not entertain opposing points of view, unless they can switch sides away from majority opinion. 

The Disbeliever is distinguishable by their trait of jumping to conclusions,  judgementalism or condemnation without facts of a situation being at hand and their detective style of questioning to control and manipulate.


7. The Fixer (Male)  The Rescuer (Female)

These people exist to save others from the fate of their own stupidity or incompetence. They recognise another's problems or inefficiencies as the stepping stone to give unsolicited advice, patronisation, pity or to just take over responsibility altogether.  

Constantly surrounded by helpless or hopeless people, The Fixer/Rescuer could never trust enough to delegate or permit another to fall down and get back up on their own.  Is it any wonder why they experience constant frustration and offer condescending style of attitude.

8. The Competitor

The Competitor aspires to an internalised status system that places themselves and others on a rating of adequate to inadequate or right to wrong. You will find the superiority of the Competitor in academic, professional, sporting, religious and society groups.

Competition is dominating in it's hierarchy therefore communication will tend to be condescending towards those perceived on a lower rung and adulation for those perceived as superior.  Competitors will attempt to be better at any cost ... including dishonesty, deception and greed.


9. The Abuser

Abusive domination is destructively aggressive and is designed to demoralize, humiliate or instill fear. Abuse can range from subtle energy stealing i.e. name calling put downs (e.g. "you idiot!") to major violations of verbal and physical abuse.

In reality those with abusive personalities believe that they are the victim and that some outside influence "causes" them to react in their abusive fashion.

Abused children often unwittingly become abusive adults and as the behaviour manifests the ensuing self blame and guilt leads to self hate.

10. The Saboteur

"The Saboteur" is either threatened or jealous of the achievements of those around them, as they perceive the success of others as an indication of their own inadequacy. The Saboteur will use words or actions to sabotage the performance or self esteem of their victim.

The Saboteur will exchange or even start malicious gossip, with little or no regard to the devastating impact of the character assassination or their own behaviour. 

The Saboteur will use words "Look I think it's a great idea but ..." or "Are you sure ...?" to instill uncertainty or fear and will not hesitate to withdraw love and support to achieve their aims.


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If you found yourself shrinking from the discovery that you have one or more of these traits - relax!    Welcome to the human race!

There is no such thing as one way Domination.

Dominating behavior is always a reactive "protection" response to another form of "perceived" domination or control.

Mastering "Detachment" is the pathway to being released from unwanted reactions and building more powerful relationships.  A "magnetic" disposition is nothing more or less than one that is devoid of all domination!

Detachment is the skill of recognizing what "appears" to be outer control and taking "response-ability" for our reactions.  We do this by identifying the underlying "Fear" or "Blame" and taking responsibility for our reaction. 

As the Doctors say - "diagnosis is 9/10ths of the cure."  

Simply saying "I am responsible" when challenged with such reactions allows us to take charge immediately.

The key to total freedom from our dominative characteristics is simply "observation".

Resistance, denial or punishment of an unwanted trait in ourselves or another will not rid of the problem, only acerbate the characteristic.

Start with "Yes I do that!" ... and watch the transformation begin ...

Think about it.

With love

Pauline Douglas

The Art of Detachment - The Letting Go Of Domination.  Pauline Douglas

The Art of Detachment - The Letting Go Of Domination.

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